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Pyramids Unearthed by April Phule
A short drive from the sleepy hamlet of Glen Arbor in the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Park, lies Pyramid Point. For years visitors to picturesque Leelanau County have been awed by the point, jutting 416 feet from the waters of Lake Michigan, presenting its triangular face to the Manitou Islands.

Then, just last Tuesday, amidst a fierce spring rainstorm, things changed at Pyramid Point. . . forever.

A party of schoolchildren were the first to discover what the rain had uncovered. As their teacher, Ms. Mary Lynne Mack, reports:

Artist's Rendering of Unearthed Pyramids at Pyramid Point "It was truly amazing. I really had my hands full with the kids. Andrew was pulling Timmy's hair and saying that Matt had done it, Melissa couldn't stop talking about her new doll, when all of the sudden Bradley yelled out: "Hey Miss Mary, look!" Now you have to know Bradley, like I do to understand why I didn't look right away. Besides, I had to explain to Jennifer that she couldn't put her barette in her cubby because her cubby was 17 miles away. By the time I got around to looking, the children were climbing all over what they had found. I remember I said, "Hey, you kids need to get off that pyramid!" Then it hit me. I used to work here when it was Camp Innisfree, and believe me, there was nothing like this then!"

Ms. Mack, dressed in a black dress with silver buttons down the back, reported that the pyramid was nearly as tall as the point had been, and quite well made. We at the Northern Michigan Journal were among the first on the scene. We were met there by Professor Phillip Enoch of the Alma College Department of Antiquities. Prof. Enoch was amazingly agitated and moved about so frenetically that our team of photographers was unable to snap even one picture of him. By supreme effort, physical conditioning, and dogged determination, this reporter was able to complete the better part of an interview with him. The following is a transcript:

On the verge...Northern Michigan Journal: Professor Enoch. Hey, professor, can you come over here?! (Loud running sounds followed by labored breathing). Hey!

Professor Enoch: Yes, yes, come along now. We're on the verge of archeological history here. Step lively!

NMJ: Would you care to comment for our readers?

E: Certainly. I must first of all say that this is vindication of my theories that the Ancients did indeed have a world spanning empire, of which the pyramids of Egypt, Central America, and China are but the palest remnants. Shove it in your craw, Patterson! (slightly hysterical laughter).

NMJ: By Patterson, you are referring to Sir James Patterson of Cambridge University?

E: One and the same. Foolish man! My theories have for years proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Builders, which I name that vanished race, built along a complex geographical grid, and if you will reference my article for The New Ancient Journal of November, 1989, you will see that I therein predicted that a pyramid had been constructed along the 45th parallel in Northwestern Michigan or Northeastern Wisconsin. Crackpot indeed!! (increasingly hysterical laughter).

NMJ: Describe the pyramid for our readers if you would.

E: Delighted! As you can see, the pyramid is constructed with the abberent 51 degree, 51 minute slope the Builders seemed to have favored over the standard equilateral slope of 60 degrees. Of course, one can see in an instant that this renders each face's area exactly equal to the square of the height, incorporating "pi" into the design. . .
(incomprehensible stream of higher math)

NMJ: And the actual appearance?

E: (annoyed) Yes, well. The exposed face appears nearly seamless, exhibiting a high level of sophistication. It is apparently constructed of the local limestone, and has been preserved to a remarkable degree. Note the inlay of the capstone, apparently either a winged disc or a some sort of ancient sandwich with the lettuce hanging out. At the exact mathmatical center of the base of the pyramid, adjusted for our high latitude and dramatic effect, you will notice a perfectly fitting door sealed from the ravages of time, archeologists, and other bandits. It is through this door that I will stride to the rightful acclaim of my peers and the unfortunate whimpers of Patterson, that fool! Oh, the immensity of--

NMJ: You mean that door which is even now swinging open?

E: (turning, gaping, fainting) At this point we elected to turn our attention to the three short but graceful humanoids who strode across the shore toward us, clad in flowing robes of white and dispaying no visible signs of gender. Regrettably, they did not appear on our film, an effect which they explained has something to do with their spiritual polarity. Hello Larry...

NMJ: Hello.

Humanoids: Greetings and Healing.

NMJ: You speak English!

H: We are fluent in 97,323 forms of communication.

NMJ: Are you here to dominate us or to assist us in cleaning up the environment or something?

H: (musical, bell-like laughter) Of course not, silly personage. We are merely come to convey a message to you.

NMJ: (with a deep sense of history and pride in the human race) That message being?

H: You really should do something about that television thing. It is positively annoying.

NMJ: Television? TV?

H: Idiot box, boob tube, yes, yes. When we first began recieving it over our crystal scryscreens, we were outraged. Several of us were of the opinion that you should all be exterminated immediately. Calmer heads prevailed when it was ascertained that this "TV" is in fact a complicated satire on the stupidity of itself. Still, it is unsettling when a notably less bad show is removed in favor of a more bad one. Message recieved. Cease jamming the bandwidths!

NMJ: Well. . . we'll see what we can do.

H: Very good! (one humanoid steps forward and whispers) At the very least, could you see about returning the show "Hello, Larry"?

NMJ: (nods, humanoids turn to leave) Excuse me, but I'm sure that our readers would like to know something about you. What do you do in there?

H: (reflecting) Well, we brew beer, prepare rapidly consumable foodstuffs, and observe the scryscreens.

And there you have it. Leelanau County, Land of Delight, Pyramid Capital of North America!

Here's a couple more of our more innovative "news" stories:
Leelanau isn't the only part of Michigan to experience odd events. Click for 5 Amazing stories from Absolute Michigan!

Copyright 1998 Manitou Publishing Co. & April Phule • All Rights Reserved.

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